You don’t have to lose your friends because of differing religions.
One of the hardest things to do in one’s lifetime is deal with rejection from a close friend or loved one. Why? Because there are attached with deep connections and emotions with our best friends and esteemed loved ones. We spend a quarter to half of our lives with some of those people, sometimes longer. By default, we get our identity from our family and those with who we have spent the most time. Think about you and who you are. What are your favorite things to do? Are they the same things you did with your family or high school friends? What are your core beliefs? Do they closely match those of your family? Our family and friends shape and mold us into who we are as adults. Then, as adults, we find friends that closely match our own beliefs and personality. We find comfort and security in like-minded people. We seek people who make us feel comfortable and relaxed. Why else does society form “cliques”? When God created humanity he created us to seek acceptance from others naturally. Our adult friends represent and are a model of our family and childhood friends. Therefore, when friends reject us, we are deeply hurt.
Those who decide to join the military find themselves in a unique position. Upon placement in the military, we are stationed with a large variety of people from differing backgrounds. From Basic Training to our last duty station, we are with people from all around the world with different worldviews and life experiences. Of course, some of those have experiences and points of view that closely resemble ours. However, we are also forced to interact with many others from vastly differing backgrounds. There are several significant advantages to working closely with people different from you. First, you have the chance to explore and understand other points of view better. Second, you get the opportunity to reevaluate your own ideals and values. Frequently, service members find that our families were misinformed and possibly incorrect in their beliefs and practices. Often service members realize that we have much in common with our co-workers despite their varying backgrounds. However, sometimes our differences are so incompatible that they become barriers to friendships and working relations with others. So what do we do when this happens?
How do we deal with friends or co-workers that have different religious beliefs than ours? We should do the same things when any other differences are incompatible with our own, and they create barriers to friendships and working relations with others. The ideal situation is that the two people understand that the differences are just that and nothing more than differences. The two must realize that they can disagree and continue working together. Given time and patience, the two individuals define their relationship through discussions. Together they come to a mutual understanding of what limits and restrictions define their relationship. Ideally, this would naturally occur. Sadly, it rarely does. We must help the process of understanding.
The most crucial moment in ironing out differences is, what I call, the Differences First Impression. When you first meet someone, the first impression is a significant one. Similarly, the impression left with someone following your first disagreement will set the tone for all future engagements. You will find that it is challenging to overcome the Differences First Impression. Why? Because you may have just challenged their family’s, friends,’ and own belief system. You have hit a very emotional spot for them.
Not to fear. You have some control over the Differences First Impressions. Therefore, I have developed the following initial steps in developing a good Differences First Impression. Most people make a huge mistake when first confronted with differing opinions. They become defensive. People do not like their ideals challenged, so they immediately get defensive without thinking. It just POPS and happens. Before they know it, the discussion explodes and spirals out of control. I am not necessarily saying they are yelling and cussing at each other, though it often happens, especially in the military. However, the discussion is less than cordial, and the two are left with hard feelings.
Therefore, a first step in avoiding a negative Differences First Impression following a disagreement is not to allow yourself to become defensive. Ecclesiastes 7:9 states, “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.” Getting defensive in a discussion incites defensiveness in the other person. Further, Proverbs 15:1-4 states, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Initially, remaining calm will be difficult, but it will get easier with practice.
One of the main ways to keep from getting defensive is to listen. Listening gives the other person the opportunity to explain their beliefs and you the chance to gain a new understanding. James 1:19 states, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” It is vital to listen to the person speaking. Have you ever talked with someone who seemed to be listening to you; however, when you finished talking, you realized the person wasn’t listening at all? They were merely waiting for you to be quiet, so they could tell you what they wanted you to hear? How did that make you feel? Were you willing to continue the conversation? I wouldn’t be. However, I have been in some talks where the other person has sincerely listened. In those instances, the person made me feel valued, and I was more willing to continue the discussion and open up. Moreover, I was more inclined to hear the other person out. Genuinely listening lets the other person know you truly desire to understand them.
There is always an anomaly, something that is abnormal or outside of the normal parameters. There will always be someone who, no matter what, wants to argue or disagree. You could avoid being defensive and genuinely listen for hours and hours and still not get a positive response from this person. How do you interact with an argumentative person? You don’t. Instead, you leave them alone. Trying to talk with a truly confrontational person is a waste of your time. Romans 12:18 states, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Note the verse says, “If possible…” Sometimes it is not possible to be peaceable with someone. In that case, the best thing you can do is show the person grace and love just as Christ did for you. Be kind and cordial in all of your interactions with the person, and leave it there. The person may come around, but don’t be dismayed if it doesn’t happen. Do what you can to live peacefully and leave the rest to God.
I hope the concepts above will help you approach conflicts in healthier ways. If you would like to know more about conflict resolution, I highly recommend Ken Sande’s book, The Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. [https://www.amazon.com/Peacemaker-Biblical-Resolving-Personal-Conflict/dp/0801064856]
Fire Teams Men's Ministry 